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having vs being

it has been forever since i posted. i even thought i'll never be writing in this anymore as i keep myself busy but i'm compelled to write an entry because my head is just about to explode with my own thoughts..

my switch to a different position (within the same organization) has actually brought out alot of displeasure within me when being at work. i still feel bitter when i think of what happened and when i thought i'm less hurt, i get proven wrong and find myself in another emotional meltdown.

i know its just normal to be unhappy with your job... and im sure im not alone in this. and that unhappiness has led me to try and seek job opportunities elsewhere. receiving a few turn down letters has already drawn me to think negatively and being as insecure as ever, my morale and self-confidence is running thin..

i tell myself that i should be content that i still have a good-paying job, while others are struggling to even land a job.. but i feel empty.. i feel as if i have accomplished nothing.. the fact that companies will not even take me in for trainee engineers position led me to think that perhaps i didnt notice the red flags.. maybe im just not cut out to be an engineer..

im glad that i have a side project to keep myself busy and gives me some extra cash on the side.. but when i hear of peers working as engineers with real technical skills involved, i feel worthless.. well i guess i was lazy back in university and busy chasing after an illusion.. so i suppose i deserve it...

i was reading Paulo Coelho's The Winner Stands Alone and came across this line:

"..At the first sign of indifference or lack of enthusiasm, take note! the only preventive against this disease is the realization that the soul suffers, suffers greatly, when we force it to live superficially..."

and i cant help but relate.. whenever i hear upon other people's travels, possessions and good-standing, i cant help feel envy of their good luck.. it is such a disease! have i turn shallow and superficial? actually i know this isnt something new to me and i often try to handle it by hiding it in and not letting it surface.. eventually this will lead me to avoid the person so that my insecurity will not kill me inside..

when i pray, i ask that Allah help me rid of the feeling of envy and jealousy and i constantly tell myself that i have already been blessed with things that i need.. after all, you can't always get what you want..

i want to be a better person.. i want to be one of those who are content with the blessings Allah has given me...

this post reminded me of that episode from CSI:

"The philosopher Erich Fromm, he forecast a society that was obsessed with possessions. He believed that human beings had two basic orientations: having and being. Now, a person with a having orientation seeks to acquire and possess things, property, even people.

But a person with a being orientation focuses on the experience. They derive meaning from exchanging, engaging and sharing with other people.

Unfortunately, Fromm also predicted that a culture driven by commercialism, like the one we live in today, is doomed to the having orientation. Which leads to dissatisfaction and emptiness. (...)

The point is there's always going to be extremes (...). Things don't have to mean everything, nor do they have to be devoid of meaning. They are one of the ways in which we can experience and enjoy life."

The Flame Still Burns.......

I was telling Lee that I dont think I can watch through a UK-produced movie without getting bored. (now before you get all defensive and all, i can be rather ignorant at times. I guess i'm so heavily brainwashed by Hollywood.. nonetheless if you follow me through this post, i do stand corrected...)

So he made me watch a movie released back in 1998, "Still Crazy"...

... and I LOVE IT!

Now for the record, I've watched Spinal Tap and I do like it but I think Still Crazy is wayyyyy better and funnier!

It's about a band called "Strange Fruit" and they were regarded the best rock band of the 70s but they eventually split and go their separate ways.

20 years later: keyboard player now stocks condoms in the restrooms at the resorts in Ibiza.. bassist is a roofer .. vocalist is a struggling solo artist, living in a mansion he can't afford.. drummer works in a floral nursery and chased by the Inland Revenue.. guitarist is believed to be dead..

They decide to reunite for a tour (and well, a second chance to revive their career as a band). So they get on their tour bus and humor, confrontations and a "lucky surprise" ensues.

The soundtrack is amazing and I can't stop listening to "The Flame Still Burns". I dont know how cliche this sounds but when I heard it sung acoustically albeit briefly, i swear i had goosebumps.. either that or the room was cold

So having enjoyed watching that, I stand corrected and Lee is one proud peacock - again


Hopefully I'll be able to get by car back next week... can't believe I miss seeing it around..

Singapore Airshow will start early Feb. I kinda miss visiting exhibitions....

Oh and work sucks... I dont know what i want to do now that I've forgotten most of the basics in engineering physics and it's pathetic..

But nonetheless, i know the flame still burns for that unfinished goal *winks*

Blocked blog

Blogger aka Google blocked my blog and labeled it spam. That sucks. And now I've lost motivation to continue updating it.

Okay a few weeks ago, I figured that I wanna start doing an e-zine kinda thing. I see other similar blogs doing the same thing covering other topics, so I don't see why it's any different.

Scrape that.

Feeling very de-motivated right now. Not because of the whole spam blog thing!

I should probably start doing something to change how I feel about work.

From the hiatus?

I am back from my hiatus! (Well actually not exactly voluntarily. My boyfriend's been nudging me to write a post since it seems like I have deserted my LJ. So honey, this one's for you :P)

Alritey let's start off with work:

My duty traveling days to international exhibitions are over - for now - since that the whole exhibition unit was wrapped up and now im in a new department altogether. but job-wise its probably not so much different; i still gotta do market research, meet up with people yadayada.. but somehow the drive isnt there so much anymore.

I was lucky to be given the chance to go for exhibitions in Istanbul (awesome place, i love it!) and Paris (too short of a stay to really enjoy the city, but i did enjoy the experience) and if the opportunity comes up again, i might consider it (who wouldn't eh?) although probably the only possible setbacks are my financial commitments...

...which brings me to my car:

i have a car now.

that certainly doesnt sound like its coming from an excited 18 year old who just got a car from his/her parents eh?

well thats coz im no longer 18 and plus i have gotten so used being driven for that i find driving to be tiring. lazy much huh? of course there is that issue where my dad is still wary of me driving on my own alone. *sigh*

as it is my occasional habit to name things, my car has a nickname too. call her the Rabbit. (or sometimes i call her Voxy)

ummm what else.. what else...

i have a new hobby! Ebay-ing! isn't it always fun to bargain hunt? :D

i got an unlocked G1 and loved it! you probably heard of that motorola phone running the new google os, android? yeah before they released the motorola droid, the first phone running android was the G1 and it's awesome. of course to some it is not as great as the iphone but i think im loving the fact that i have both the virtual and physical keyboards on the g1 (texting is an integral part of my daily life) i also hacked the phone to run a developer's version of the OS and its OS-OME! Kudos cyanogen!

okay enough tech talk.

i bought a pair of boots from an online store in ebay and its kinda tight on the feet (yes stupid me for not thinking of sizing allowances when placing the order.. all that stuff they taught me in engineering workshop to always allow for allowances in measurement... all gone... tsk tsk)

btw at the time of writing this, its the new year in the Muslim calendar so happy new year! :D

p/s: i actually miss writing my random babbles in lj and it feels good to write again! thanks Lee xoxo


I've been down this road before
I walk out the door
Leave you on the floor

Sometimes you run and hide
Your foolish pride's what keeps me from giving you more

So the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
'Cause you got growing up to do

Some day I'll return when it's time for payment in kind
The churchbells are chimed

You stand before me surrounded by lights
Dressed in white
You threw flowers in the air this night

But the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

It looks like the rain is pouring down on me
It's drowning me now and all I want is to come back home

And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry
But I can't think of what else to try

That's why the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

The best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

27/12/2008 - 41 years since 1967

Stop the Gaza siege.

End the occupation.

Free Palestine.

back in brunei

It's been awhile... how many times have i started this line lol

Nways, Jakarta was great... memorable i'd say

Pollution is in the air coz the moment u step out of the airport you see gray.
And the traffic is craaaaazy

Oh but the people are amazingly friendly. Simply awesome.

The exhibition was fun in a way though tiring.

I slid down the World's Longest Slide in the FX Shopping Mall in Jakarta. I clocked 10:04s sliding down from the 7th floor to the ground. I tumbled out like a ball and looked rather stupid but it was fun. FUN!

I'm going to miss Jakarta. When I was at a supermarket awhile ago and the shopkeepers arent as friendly, I already missed Jakarta...

*** Ranting alert! ***
I called the bank to ask about my outstanding balance and the lady ask me tonnes of questions only to tell me in the end that she cannot disclose the information on the phone!!!!!
ARGH! Shouldn't have wasted my freaking time.

my name.... but really what's in a name?

What Hamizah Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience.

You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along.

But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge.

midge is back :D

It sure has been awhile. I was thinking of closing this but i figured that eventually i'll feel a want to write something....

The year isnt over yet and already i find it to be quite eventful (or lack of events but nonetheless...)

I'll turn a year older next month inshallah.. but i dont feel like im getting any wiser for that matter..

Lookin back, i did some silly mistakes this year.. mistakes that cant be undone no matter how i wish i could turn back time.. but i'd like to live with no regrets; so i acknowledge that i have been silly and stupid with some matters but i have to move on..
i made a promise that i will not fall apart.. i'll pick up the pieces and strut on..
i had learned plenty of lessons and i hope i will not make the same mistakes in the future...

i work now. totally in a different line of what i studied but i think i like it and i can handle it.
there could be a good chance of traveling involved. and i look forward for that. if its not possible, i'll just enjoy the working life (and the money that comes with it :P)

my masters' plan had been disrupted this year but i'll only be putting it on hold for a while. i applied for next year and they accepted; so i'll give it another shot. i hope i could finance myself by then. fingers crossed.

i havent been reading any books lately... and i feel mentally empty... i should pick up a book soon; real soon...

guys, i miss you all xoxo


I say...

Inshallah to Europe..
Inshallah to UK..
Inshallah to England..
Inshallah to Cranfield...

I got my acceptance letter today. :D
If all goes well (and i mean $$) then I will start in October, inshallah....